Male or female, if my name were either Don or Dawn, I’d be up at sunrise to celebrate the glory that is me. - Jarod Kintz

It’s hard to steal somebody’s shoes while they are wearing them and not have them notice. But that’s what politicians have done in this country. Not only that, but they replaced all our footwear with concrete boots.

I put the sing in single — especially when I’m in the shower. Does anybody have any requests they’d like to shout out while the water’s getting hot? As always, silence all cell phones during the duration of my performance.

I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably.