Ambrose Bierce Quotes

ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.

TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.

Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.

INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.

Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue
And one in white, together drew
And having each a pleasant sense
Of t'other powder's excellence,
Forsook their jackets for the snug
Enjoyment of a common mug.
So close their intimacy grew
One paper would have held the two.
To confidences straight they fell,
Less anxious each to hear than tell;
Then each remorsefully confessed
To all the virtues he possessed,
Acknowledging he had them in
So high degree it was a sin.
The more they said, the more they felt
Their spirits with emotion melt,
Till tears of sentiment expressed
Their feelings. Then they effervesced!
So Nature executes her feats
Of wrath on friends and sympathetes
The good old rule who won't apply,
That you are you and I am I.

Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit it is the first.

MISDEMEANOR, n. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal society.

Gallows, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven.

We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.

Her locks an ancient lady gave
Her loving husband's life to save;
And men — they honored so the dame — Upon some stars bestowed her name.

But to our modern married fair,
Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
No stellar recognition's given.
There are not stars enough in heaven.

IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between sin and punishment.

Riot – A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.

Optimist – A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.

Aphorism, n. Predigested wisdom.

To the eye of failure success is an accident.

No hay nada nuevo bajo el sol, pero hay muchas cosas viejas que nosotros no sabemos.