Bob Monkhouse Quotes

I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers.

The awkward part about an orgy is that afterwards you're not too sure who to thank

I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?'. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

I suddenly realised I could maybe occupy a different position because of age, a kind of acceptance.

People always say: "You're a comedian, tell us a joke." They don't say: "You're an MP, tell us a lie."

Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

People who hadn't noticed me, or who had written me off as a game show host, started to reassess me. There were people who hadn't seen me as a stand-up artist and liked it. Suddenly I was in fashion again.

They all laughed when I said I'd become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

I've always known that I polarise opinion. Some people respond with enthusiasm and affection. In others, I awaken a lot of hostility.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.