Craig Ferguson

By the way, _____ was the name of a movie I accidentally watched in a hotel room twenty or thirty times.

Welcome back, my frisky badgers

[to Rupert Grint] Look at the great city of LA stretched out in front of you, son: there's dangerous people living in that cardboard backdrop.

Get well soon, Castro. [pause] Actually, no, don't; die, you bastard!

Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain.

Sober alkies are often asked: “When did you hit rock bottom?” but a more informed question might be: “How many times did you hit rock bottom?

[in reference to a two-word comment from a guest] ...I used to dance under that name.

It's a great day for America, everybody.

Just a warning: If you're a bunch of sexy teenagers at a lake where other sexy teenagers were killed 30 years ago, leave! The guy in the forest with a hockey mask... maybe doesn't play hockey.

[bends over] *errgh* Sorry for making that noise, but … that's what happens when you get older. One day what happens is that you bend over, and you never come back.

Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of “what if” when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized.

By the way, there's a place on Hollywood Boulevard where you can get a _____ for twenty bucks.

[with a fist-shake] Take that, ____.

They could have gotten help for this infertility but they believed that interfering with the reproductive process, even if it was faulty, was anti-God. It was against His plan. It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.

Failure is not a disgrace. It’s just a pitch that you missed, and you’d better get ready for the next one... My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don’t.