Top 15 David Sedaris Quotes

If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.

Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.

If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt?

I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.

We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.

As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.

If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.

Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings

When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it', and eat yourself some motherfucking candy.

"He took a sip of my father’s weak coffee and spit it back into the mug. "This shit’s like making love in a canoe."
"Excuse me?"
"It’s fucking near water.

If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.

Certain motherfuckers think they can fuck with my shit, but you can't kill the Rooster. You might can fuck him up some times, but, bitch, nobody kills the motherfucking Rooster. You know what I'm saying?

Hugh and I have been together for so long that in order to arouse extraordinary passion, we need to engage in physical combat. Once, he hit me on the back of the head with a broken wineglass, and I fell to the floor pretending to be unconscious. That was romantic, or would have been had he rushed to my side rather than stepping over my body to fetch the dustpan.