Fran Lebowitz Quotes

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.

Your life story would not make a good book. Don’t even try.

I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake. What you don’t know won’t hurt you. Sleep is death without the responsibility.

Do not elicit your child's political opinions. He doesn't know any more than you do.

Once upon a time, long, long ago, people wanted to be well spoken. Those capable of an elegant turn of phrase were much admired. Wit was in great demand. It was the day of the epigram. Time went on, and by and by it came to pass that people were chiefly interested in being well liked. Those capable of a firm handshake were much admired. Friendliness was in great demand. It was the day of the telegram. Presently it appears that people are mainly concerned with being well rested. Those capable of uninterrupted sleep are much admired. Unconsciousness is in great demand. This is the day of the milligram. Far be it from me to make noise while you’re asleep but I should like to notify you that you are under arrest for being boring.

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Bread that must be sliced with an ax is bread that is too nourishing.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.

Chocolate is an excellent flavor for ice cream but both unreasonable and disconcerting in chewing gum.

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one’s soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive – you are leaking.

Think before you speak, read before you think.

The customary way for white people to think about the topic of race — and it is only a topic to white people — is to ask, “How would it be if I were black?”…..

The way to approach it, I think, is…to seriously consider what it is like to be white.

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

This is not my favorite way to wake up. My favorite way to wake up is to have a certain French movie star whisper to me softly at two thirty in the afternoon that if I want to get to Sweden in time to pick up my Nobel Prize for Literature I had better ring for breakfast. This occurs rather less often than one might wish.