Jasper Fforde Quotes

Noting with dismay that most cross-religion bickering occurred only because all the major religions were convinced that they were the right one and every other religion was the wrong one, the founders of the Global Standard Deity based their fledgling “portmanteau” faith on the premise that most religions want the same thing once all the shameless, manipulative power play had been subtracted: peace, stability, equality and justice—the same as the nonfaiths. As soon as they found that centralizing thread that unites all people and makes a dialogue of sorts with a Being of Supreme Moral Authority mostly optional, the GSD flourished.

For centuries I’ve been worrying about audiences seeing me as a mouthy spoiled brat who can’t make up his mind about anything, but, having seen the real world, I can understand the appeal. My play is popular because my failings are your failings, my indecision the indecision of you all. We all know what has to be done; it’s just that sometimes we don’t know how to get there. Acting without thought doesn’t really help in the long run. I might dither for a while, but at least I make the right decision in the end: I bear my troubles and take arms against them. And thereby lies a message for all mankind, although I’m not exactly sure what it is. Perhaps there’s no message. I don’t really know. Besides, if I don’t dither, there’s no play.

"Did she believe you?"
"She's an excellent journalist—of course not."

"I need to get home and have a long, hot bath and then a martini."
Thursday5 thought for a moment. "After you've drunk the long, hot bath," she observed, "you'll never have room for the martini."

"Do you know what the worst bit about dying is?"
"Tell me, Gran."
"You never get to see how it all turns out."

The leader was identified by his dental records—why he had them on him, no one was quite sure.

"Passing through?"
"Yes; here to meet with Moody."
"You'll get more sense from lichen. What's with your head?"
Unlike talking to The Notable Goodnight, where I needed to be polite, this was an answer I could have fun with.
"It's the final stages of an excruciatingly painful and incurable genital wasting disease. Luckily, it's only spread by skin contact. Sorry, I should've said that before I shook your hand. Remiss of me – apologies."
Shamanic Bob smiled.
"Fair enough," he said. "I think I deserved that."
"Yes, I think you did."

"How is that working out?" I asked.
"Somewhere between frustratingly slow and fiendishly elusive."

Failure concentrates the mind wonderfully. If you don’t make mistakes, you’re not trying hard enough.

Friday nodded and took a deep breath. “Has anyone noticed how short attention spans seem to have cast a certain latitude across the nation?”
“Do I ever,” I replied, rolling my eyes and thinking of the endlessly downward clicking of the Read-O-Meter. “No one’s reading books anymore. They seem to prefer the mind numbing spectacle of easily digested trash TV and celebrity tittle-tattle.”
“Exactly,” said Friday. “The long view has been eroded. We can’t see beyond six months, if that, and short-termism will spell our end.”

"Haven't I seen your face somewhere else?"
"No, it's always been right here on the front of my head."

"It's simply part of wider research on a neural expansifier that increases the synaptic pathways in the brain. Aside from repairing traumatic damage and reversing the effects of dementia, it can potentially make dumb people smart."
"I'm trying hard, but I'm not sure I can think of a more useful invention."

The first four in the series had been less a lighthearted chronicling of my adventures and more of a “Dirty Harry meets Fanny Hill,” but with a good deal more sex and violence.

“I am surprised to see you because…you died six years ago!”
“I did?” inquired Mycroft with genuine concern. “Why does no one tell me these things?”
I shrugged, as there was really no good answer to this.

"Friday may have tricked his parents, the SHE and half the ChronoGuard, but there's one person no teenage boy ever managed to fool."
"And that is?"
"His younger sister."