Joan Rivers Quotes

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Looking fifty is great—if you're sixty.

People say money is not the key to happiness, but I've always figured if you have enough money you can get a key made.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

[Catchphrase:] Can we talk?

You know you are getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly—hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.

[Catchphrase:] Oh, grow up!

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.