Joan Rivers Quotes

[Catchphrase:] Can we talk?

Looking fifty is great—if you're sixty.

Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes—and six months later you have to start all over again.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'

Why do wives have to spend so much time dusting, vacuuming, mopping, making beds, washing dishes, when you just have to do it all again six months later?

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Never floss with a stranger.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly—hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.

People say money is not the key to happiness, but I've always figured if you have enough money you can get a key made.

I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir."

You know you are getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.