Top 15 Joan Rivers Quotes

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes—and six months later you have to start all over again.

People say money is not the key to happiness, but I've always figured if you have enough money you can get a key made.

You know you are getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Looking fifty is great—if you're sixty.

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly—hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.

Two is company; three is fifty bucks.

It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.