Top 15 Karl Pilkington Quotes

I don't cry. Water doesn't leave my head. I've got loads of gob. That's how water leaves me, it's not out of my eyes.

I've never understood what pole dancing's about anyway. It's a waste of a good skill. Get into scaffolding or something.

If there's one thing we haven't cracked yet in human civilsation, we've never been able to make a good wig. I wouldn't want a wig on me.

My brain's just full of passwords

12 hours on a plane, over 5,000 miles. All this way you've got me licking fish.

I've got a fat head. There's nothing I can do about it.

I'm surprised that I won the race to the egg. I'm not a good swimmer. If I was back in there now I'd go forget it, let them lot go first.

Who's the mental one here? Is it me, or everyone else?

People say having kids is life changing, well that doesn't necessarily mean a good thing, does it? I could take one of my legs off. That would change my life.

This isn't Amazon where you can go "I'm not happy with the product" and pop it back in the post. Thats it, you've got it

If you had 5 photos of anuses, I could not point mine out

I'm really happy, I just don't choose to show it.

"I've got to make sure the groom's hat's on straight." That's when you know an event's overstaffed.

Get married, get on with it, email us the pictures, we're happy to have a look.

What do dogs do? Sniff each other's arse. They don't knock about going "Let's try a chatup line."