Milton Berle Quotes

I took over the Moran and Mack spot and wowed them. The theater owner's report to the booker of the entire circuit was a glowing review. A week later I was booked on a bigger circuit. I kept working and polishing my act until the GIANT door opened for me and there was the big time ... the Palace Theater [sic] on Broadway.
P.S. If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far, for a might-have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

"A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?"

"No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!

Laughter is an instant vacation.

You can't believe everything you hear, but it's fun to repeat it anyway.

When opportunity doesn't knock, create a door

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

You don't need to travel, laughter is an instant vacation