Milton Berle Quotes

I took over the Moran and Mack spot and wowed them. The theater owner's report to the booker of the entire circuit was a glowing review. A week later I was booked on a bigger circuit. I kept working and polishing my act until the GIANT door opened for me and there was the big time ... the Palace Theater [sic] on Broadway.
P.S. If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

I'd rather be a 'could-be' if I cannot be an 'are' because a 'could-be' is a 'maybe' who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a 'has-been' than a 'might-have-been' by far; for a 'might-have-been' has never been, but a 'has' was once an 'are.

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

You can't believe everything you hear, but it's fun to repeat it anyway.

I'd rather be a 'could-be' if I cannot be an 'are', because a 'could-be' is a 'maybe' who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a 'has-been' than a 'might-have-been,' by far, for a 'might-have-been' has never been, but a 'has' was once an 'are.

All I can say is at 82, if I had it to live over again, I'd live it the same, sweet — or not so sweet — way. At 82, I feel like a 20-year-old. But unfortunately, there's never one around.

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison-if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been by far; for a might-have-been has never been, but a has-been was once an are.