Nicole Hollander Quotes

(First woman)...Men lose their sense of humor as they get older...their brains shrink...So men will be getting grumpier, just as we're getting...(Second woman) Shorter.

(Woman to psychic) Which do you think is the more impossible dream: the perfect man or the perfect handbag?

(Sylvia at typewriter) The best place to discuss your sexual dissatisfaction with your partner is 1) in the bedroom 2) in a car, traveling at high speed 3) in a crowded elevator.

(Man in suit to Indian woman) Oh guru, ancient mother of the world, we men have been crippled. We have never learned how to feel; we don't even know how to cry. Oh my wise guru, can you teach me to cry? (Guru) Sure. No problem. Tomorrow I'll start you at a dead-end job, pay you at women's wages and then I'll throw in sole support of a pre-school child.

(Sylvia at typewriter) "Superwoman." The definition is 1. A woman who has supernatural powers and uses them to fight evil. 2. A woman who has supernatural powers and uses them to combine a family and a career. (p. 184)

(Sylvia at typewriter) A lady never offers a new lover a complimentary tooth brush, razor and sewing kit the next morning.

(Television) Humor will never be the same. Sarcasm, irony, and cynicism will disappear. (Sylvia) Right. I'm having mine surgically removed. (Rita) Ma, cut it out!

(Sylvia) Rita! Get my smelling salts! (Rita) Ma, you used them up when you discovered that repeal of the estate tax benefits only the very, very rich.

(Woman psychic to woman client) So how come the tall, dark, handsome stranger I see in your future is a woman?

(Mary Frances) ...look-alike wives for humiliating public appearances...The pseudo-wife's job is to look supportive, while the real spouse is at home throwing his stuff out the window.

(Sign) Mid-year resolutions of the barely under-control. (Woman at desk) <del> I will try to be more understanding of others. I will try to be more patient when dealing with the incompetent people that surround me. </del> I will not slap anyone first thing in the morning. (Sign on desk) The buck stops before it gets here. (p. 78)

(Sylvia at typewriter) In the heat of the moment, I said a lot of unforgiveable things. Please call me. I've thought of a few more.

(Man in bar) Can you imagine a world without men? (Sylvia) No crime, and lots of happy, fat women.

(Sylvia) Where do you stand? . . . .Do you think that people who like cake should be allowed to serve in combat positions? (p. 74)

(Television) Men are naturally more aggressive than women. (Sylvia) All the more reason to keep them locked up after dark.