Stephen Colbert Quotes

The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.

... had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention.

You said the war would pay for itself in fruit baskets. You said that our soldiers would march in the streets of Havana and people would shower them with bananas and cigars. That didn’t happen. Would you like to look into the camera and apologize to the American people?

In the Old South, biscuits and cornbread were markers of status. Biscuits needed folding and beating. That's for people with time on their hands or help in the house. Cornbread is mixed, poured, and cooked - so easy, so cheap, and so good. Man of the people that I am, I will take a fresh piece of cornbread over a biscuit any day.

"I would consider cowboy caviar one of our more balanced dinners, especially now that the kids are grown. Many's the night our dinner is a glass (or two) of white wine, a handful of cashews, and Anderson Cooper. Also, what is this "chips" business? I have, on more than one occasion, simply leaned over the sink and happily shoveled in the cowboy caviar with a spoon."

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists — they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.

Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.

Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90.

Dreams can change, if we all stuck with our first dreams there would be a lot of cowboys and princesses running around.

I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.

In my experience, you will truly serve only what you love because service is love made visible. If you love your friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money and, if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself and you will have only yourself. So no winning. Instead, try to love others and serve others and hopefully find others that love and serve you in return.

Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost.

Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out.

I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: Don't let them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys. I've seen Zinni and that crowd on Wolf Blitzer. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you're strong enough to stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. Come on.

I love making observations. That one is a classic example.

The pistachio: it's just like our politics. When the two sides are divided, that's when the nuts come out.

I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it’s more than that. It’s an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche, and then applies an antibiotic cream... Obviously, it’s a challenge to make light of the darkness but, um, it’s better than crying about it.