That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.

I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it’s more than that. It’s an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche, and then applies an antibiotic cream... Obviously, it’s a challenge to make light of the darkness but, um, it’s better than crying about it.

Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.

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Here's how it works: the president
makes decisions. He's the decider.
The press secretary announces those
decisions, and you people of the press
type those decisions down. Make,
announce, type. Just put 'em through
a spell check and go home. The greatest
thing about this man is he's steady.
You know where he stands. He believes
the same thing Wednesday that he believed
on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday.
Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.

I have tender feelings for Nixon, because everybody has warm feelings about their childhood. Actually, I didn't like the Watergate trials 'cause they interrupted The Munsters... Nixon was the last liberal president. He supported women's rights, the environment, ending the draft, youth involvement, and now he's the boogeyman? Kerry couldn't even run on that today.