Steven Wright Quotes

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are
furious!

You can't have everything... where would you put it? Steven Wright

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

Everywhere is walking distance if you've got the time.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

THERE ARE NO OTHER PEOPLE, WE ARE THE OTHER PEOPLE