Steven Wright Quotes

I had amnesia once or twice.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

"The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les."

[unenthusiastically at the beginning of every show in response to audience applause] "Thanks."

When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?

I went into a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

How can there be self-help groups?

"I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate, "Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.