Steven Wright Quotes

I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

He felt it was a very one-sided situation because the bird could go away from him way easier than he could go away from the bird. Kind of like a bad marriage.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

"I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate, "Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?

If heat rises, heaven must be hotter than hell.

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are
furious!

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I didn’t have that much time.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.