Steven Wright Quotes

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

"Did you sleep well?"
"No, I made a couple of mistakes."

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!