Steven Wright Quotes

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

"Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

"I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...