Tina Fey

Tracy: Stop eating people's old french fries, little pigeon. Have some self-respect. Don't you know you can fly?

Q: Is 30 Rock the most racist show on television? A: No, in my opinion it’s NFL football. Why do they portray all those guys as murderers and rapists?

This worked out perfectly for me in college, because what nineteen-year-old Virginia boy doesn't want a wide-hipped, sarcastic Greek girl with short hair that's permed on top? What's that you say? None of them want that? You are correct.

It was announced that Ricky Martin will perform at the Lincoln Memorial as part of President Bush's inauguration. Apparently, Mr. Bush's first step in restoring the dignity of the presidency is having a soap star sing "She Bangs" at the foot of the Great Emancipator.

Sometimes it is a fun sociology litmus test, like when my friend Ricky asked me, 'Did they ever catch the black guy that did that to you?' Hmmm. It was not a black guy, Ricky, and I never said it was.

When hiring, mix Harvard Nerds with Chicago Improvisers and stir.

If you are a woman and you bought this book for practical tips on how to make it in a male-dominated workplace, here they are. No pigtails, no tube tops. Cry sparingly. (Some people say “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.)

Start with a YES and see where that takes you.

12) The Most Important Rule of Beauty

If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important Rule of Beauty. “Who cares?

CBS announced that will not air moveon.org's winning anti-Bush ad during the super bowl, saying that they don't air so-called "issue ads." Unless the issue is that girls are sluts for beer.

According to reports, Britney Spears has told family and close friends that she and her new husband Kevin Federline are expecting their first child. So far, no word on whether it will be a pimp or a ho.

Only in comedy, by the way, does an obedient white girl from the suburbs count as diversity

I find, the fancier the fashion magazine is, the worse the Photoshop. It’s as if they are already so disgusted that a human has to be in the clothes, they can’t stop erasing human features.

In an attempt to make things easier for myself, which is the basis for all of history's worst decisions [...].

One afternoon a girl walked by in a bikini and my cousin Janet scoffed, “Look at the hips on her.” I panicked. What about the hips? Were they too big? Too small? What were my hips? I didn’t know hips could be a problem. I thought there was just fat or skinny. This was how I found out that there are an infinite number of things that can be “incorrect” on a woman’s body.