"Today I will masterbate!

Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written "Today I will masterbate — if I want to!

I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival. Never invite me to a birthday party.

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

I was starting to feel like vomiting, and I had a hard-on; things were at a pretty pass. I said `Excuse me a moment,' and crossed the discothéque in the direction of the toilets. Once inside I put two fingers down my throat, but the amount of vomit proved feeble and disappointing. Then I masturbated with altogether greater success: I began thinking of Véronique a bit,of course, but then I concentrated on vaginas in general and that did the trick. Ejaculation came after a couple of minutes; it brought me a feeling of confidence and certainty. [...]

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think…is there nothing on the internet that I won’t masturbate to?

You can, after all, produce an orgasm yourself if that's what you want, so we must go to bed for something more.

Love is what makes sex more than masturbation. If there is no love even if you are really with a partner you masturbate with a partner.

Girls love their showers, they spend like twelve hours in there. I know why too, I read in Cosmo. It said that, "Eighty three percent of all women masturbate in the shower." That's wonderful. I can't masturbate in the shower cause my legs give out and then I rip down the shower curtain. And then my Mom gets mad. And I have to go to bed without dinner. I masturbated in the car once. That's a cry for help. I wouldn't do it again, though, 'cause the cab driver got really pissed off. I was like, "I'm sorry sir, all I saw was the non-smoking sign."

Masturbation is cheap, clean, convenient, and free of any possibility of wrongdoing —and you don't have to go home in the cold. But it's lonely.

Kind of like the difference between making love and masturbation, I'd say.

I would masturbate in a red speedo.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

This is a strange -- and rather alarming -- realisation. For it clearly implies that masturbation is one of our highest faculties that human beings have developed. Many animals masturbate -- but never without the presence of another animal, or some similar stimulus. A human being can masturbate in an empty room: a triumph of pure imagination.

Absolutely, because during sex, I’m just going to run a filmstrip. I’m still masturbating.