Chris Rock Quotes

Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.

Oh, wow! Wow! Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me. [...] That was a... greatest night in the history of television, okay.

Jada, I love you. G.I. Jane 2, can't wait to see it, all right?

Here's the thing. I know it's hard being a cop. I know it's hard. I know that shit's dangerous. I know it is, OK? But some jobs can't have bad apples. OK? Some jobs, everybody gotta be good. Like— pilots. You know? American Airlines can't be like, "You know, most of our pilots like to land. We just got a few bad apples, that like to crash into mountains. Please bear with us."

You would think that cops would occasionally shoot a white kid, just to make it look good. You'd think every couple of months they'd look at their dead nigga calendar and go, "Oh my God, we're up to 16. We gotta shoot a white kid quick."
"Uh, which one?"
"The first one you see singing Cardi B."
That's right. I mean, honestly, I wanna live in a world with real equality. I want to live in a world where an equal amount of white kids are shot every month. An equal world. I want to see white mothers on TV crying. Standing next to Al Sharpton. Talking about, "We need justice for Chad. We need justice for Chad. He was just coming home from racquetball practice."

[Interviewer asks: "How do you feel like things have changed over the past couple decades?"]<br

Happy white peoples independence day the slaves weren't free but I'm sure they enjoyed fireworks

They don't want you to vote. If they did, we wouldn't vote on a Tuesday. In November. You ever throw a party on a Tuesday? No. Because nobody would come.

Black Santa Claus caused more tears than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Yo, what's up! This is Chris Rock, and I'm with my man Lil Jon, and we stay in the club! We live in the club! We die in the club! We get our car washed in the club! We go to school in the club! We go to the cleaners in the club! We do everything in the motherfucking club! We go to church in the club! We never leave the motherfucking club! We pay our taxes in the club! We go to library in the club!

George Bush hates midgets.

You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.

When I heard they were trying and get rid of the word "nigga", I told my accountant to buy 800 shares of "coon".

Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judging the singing. Paula Abdul?! Getting Paula Abdul to judge a singing contest is like getting Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!

The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they're not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, "If you'd done that in the movie, you'd have won an Oscar, girl."