Fran Lebowitz Quotes

I understand, of course, that many people find smoking objectionable. That is their right. I would, I assure you, be the very last to criticize the annoyed. I myself find many-- even most-- things objectionable. Being offended is the natural consequence of leaving one's home. I do not like aftershave lotion, adults who roller-skate, children who speak French, or anyone who is unduly tan. I do not, however, go around enacting legislation and putting up signs. In private I avoid such people; in public they have the run of the place. I stay at home as much as possible, and so should they. When it is necessary, however, to go out of the house, they must be prepared, as I am, to deal with the unpleasant personal habits of others. That is what "public" means.

Think before you speak. Read before you think. This will give you something to think about that you didn't make up yourself - a wise move at any age, but most especially at seventeen, when you are in the greatest danger of coming to annoying conclusions.

Should you be a teenager blessed with uncommon good looks, document this state of affairs by the taking of photographs. It is the only way anyone will ever believe you in years to come.

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth.

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable expectations and eventual disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around the room with royal-blue chickens.

Children do not really need money. After all, they don't have to pay rent or send mailgrams.

Do not elicit your child's political opinions. He doesn't know any more than you do.

The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast the disc jockey is not allowed to talk.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publication.

Women who insist on having the same options as men would do well to consider the option of being the strong, silent type.

Bread that must be sliced with an ax is bread that is too nourishing.