Joan Rivers Quotes

[Catchphrase:] Can we talk?

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly—hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.

Two is company; three is fifty bucks.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

People say money is not the key to happiness, but I've always figured if you have enough money you can get a key made.

Never floss with a stranger.

Why do wives have to spend so much time dusting, vacuuming, mopping, making beds, washing dishes, when you just have to do it all again six months later?

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.