Kathy Griffin Quotes

And then who comes along to save the day? A couple of tool-belt wearing, golf-loving, Dinah Shore weekend lesbians sent from heaven.

[Impersonating Celine) "Zis next song iz for all ze parents in zer audience, and also zer children"...(looks puzzled).... that's just everybody, right?

There's something about Shania Twain I just don't trust. I don't know, I can't put my finger...she's just too thin. I like my country singers to have the big hair and the big ass.

I know I'm going to Hell. And I think I might see a few of you there. When I get there, it'll be like (waving) "Hi", "Hi", "Oh my God....Hi!"

As someone who was raised Catholic, and went to St Bernadine's; don't pull your Catholic kid-fucker bullshit with me, motherfuckers! I'm not scared of you. And I'm not havin it!

When Clay Aiken comes to your town - GO! It is a spectacle. It is the gayest thing I have ever seen! Organisers of the Pride Fest in San Francisco are like "We're fucked"!

I don't know about you, but I fucked a midget. I have secrets.

So then, she looks at Brooke (Shields)'s Dad with his newer wife, and she's like "So, now you're with my ex-husband. Well, congratulations, you can have him"! It was fucking on!!

When I go to a wedding, I live for the wedding cake. It's all I care about. So Brooke at one point calls me and says "C'mon, we're gonna get started", so I go and sit in the very front row, as close to the wedding cake as possible, cause I literally want that second piece. So anyway, I sit down and I'm right in the front row with Brooke. And it turns out she meant come sit here cause Tuck and Patti are starting, like, their full concert!! And I thought, oh shit! And I'm looking at the wedding cake, salivating like a dog!

I knew the minute I heard the "gay inhale". He literally goes "Diva, what are you doing here?". It was heaven! I found my gay, even in Kandahar, Afghanistan! He plonks down next to me, puts the tray down, puts his gun down... he's like "Errghh, girl, I'm on graveyard tonight... I am a wreck... I'm exhausted... my roommates are all snoring, yee-ukk, they're pigs! Anyway, what's going on with Ben and J-Lo?"

The first red flag? The crooked wig! That's how you know what level of awareness Whitney is at. Cause let me tell - you know her gay was straightening that wig to the bitter end. Making sure the part was in the right place. But you know what - when the (crack) pipe is shaking? It's hard to keep it on, when the pipe is all shaking.

If you have not seen the Celine Dion Vegas show, tomorrow, get a plane ticket, go to Vegas... it is the biggest freak show you will ever see! It's Cirque De Celine.

Isn't Scientology one of those things where you really like someone and once you hear they're a Scientologist, you're like "I'm out"?

Have you guys noticed that Madonna is British now? OK, let's talk about her lineage for a minute. Raised in Michigan, moved to New York, is British. She started turning British like at the Golden Globes and she was doing the interviews and she says "telly" instead of "television" and she uses the word "actually" way too much and then she's also sorta bringing her voice down to a register around here (brings her voice down) and she's being interviewed for the Golden Globes and she's got whole, you know, crazy hair that everybody hated and everybody has and they were saying, "Well, Madonna, we're so glad to have you at the Golden Globes." (speaks in Madonna British accent) "Well, actually, it is more fun to come here than watch it on the telly". You know. Look, I'm from the midwest- its a TV.

You've got the two titans. Streisand. Oprah. Both strong black women.