Kathy Griffin Quotes

(Recalling her speech at an AMFAR event that was intended to be a parody of Sharon Stone's earlier speech, reciting the lyrics to John Lennon's "Imagine".) Ladies and gentlemen, I am so honored to be here and Sharon spoke so eloquently before that it reminded me of something I once read a long time ago. You ain't nothin but a hound dog. Oh, gosh, that reminds me, many years ago I was walking down the street in Memphis and I said, "Whoa- that's Elvis"...and I fucked him. I fucked him hard. I did, I did. Sure, he called me 'Cilla the whole time, but I didn't mind. (sobbing) Cryin' all the time, well, you ain't never caught a rabbit and you ain't no friend of mine.

They would give us these helicopter rides, and every time we'd get on, the drivers would say "now do you want to ride, or do you want to rrrride? On the helicopter! I'd be like "I want the ride... the first one... the boring one... the ride. I don't want the "rrrride"... I want the ride!

I had a run in with Whitney Houston, or as I call her, "Cracky." Allegedly.

Now the great thing about the current Britney (Spears) tour, is that it has a lot of fantastic dancing... and she doesn't get bogged down in any....ahm...singing!

(About controversy) What you guys get, that celebrities don't get, is that I live for this shit!

Because he loves pussy. Except it smells like fish!

Alright, Macy Gray.....what exactly is wrong with her? She, for sure has a little mental retardation. Allegedly!

I said "boy, I'd love to get a tour of this house cause it's so beautiful". So she hooks my arm, and she walks by. And then the grooms mother, trying to help me out says "Can I help you ladies with anything?" And then Brooke's Mom; and this is why I love her, without missing a beat, says to the groom's mother - "Shut up, you fucking cunt"!! It was a fucking dream come true!

Donna (Karan), you have huge jugs, you could totally be a manager at Hooters!

There's something about Shania Twain I just don't trust. I don't know, I can't put my finger...she's just too thin. I like my country singers to have the big hair and the big ass.

If they wanna meet me, they have to shake my hand. And I'm going down the line saying "Yeah, thats right...look at me......I'm an American woman... you can shake my hand, motherfucker... that's right... that's how we roll... hi... (points to herself)... look... whore face....."

She calls me up and says "Guess what - we're going to the Persian Gulf for Christmas". Immediately I put my hands over my clitoris. I don't want to insult the Muslim culture. It's such a wonderful culture for women - unless you have a clitoris and you're 13 cause they're hacking that shit off!

Isn't Scientology one of those things where you really like someone and once you hear they're a Scientologist, you're like "I'm out"?

When you perform for the Army, they want dick jokes and they want em now!

Let's just say I'm gonna be so politically incorrect, you might even get sued for being in the audience.