Kathy Griffin Quotes

American actress and comedian

Kathleen "Kathy" Griffin (born November 4, 1960, in Oak Park, Illinois) is an Emmy-winning American stand-up comedian and actress. She has also been a voice actor and a red carpet commentator. Griffin has proclaimed herself a "D-list celebrity", and starred on her reality television series "Kathy Griffin - My Life on the D-List" from 2005 until 2010, for which she won an Emmy in both 2007 and 2008. Much of her stand-up humour is derived from her embellished encounters with notable celebrities.

From: Wikiquote (CC BY-SA 4.0)

Birth Name: Kathleen Mary Griffin

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And then she (Brooke Sheilds) says the ill-fated words "You have to put this in your act". And I said "What, I would never"! Because it's a private time!!

I said "boy, I'd love to get a tour of this house cause it's so beautiful". So she hooks my arm, and she walks by. And then the grooms mother, trying to help me out says "Can I help you ladies with anything?" And then Brooke's Mom; and this is why I love her, without missing a beat, says to the groom's mother - "Shut up, you fucking cunt"!! It was a fucking dream come true!

She reaches under and grabs my peech and like, squeezes it and walks away. I run over to Brooke and go "Your mother just molested me. I could sue you and own this house"!

When I go to a wedding, I live for the wedding cake. It's all I care about. So Brooke at one point calls me and says "C'mon, we're gonna get started", so I go and sit in the very front row, as close to the wedding cake as possible, cause I literally want that second piece. So anyway, I sit down and I'm right in the front row with Brooke. And it turns out she meant come sit here cause Tuck and Patti are starting, like, their full concert!! And I thought, oh shit! And I'm looking at the wedding cake, salivating like a dog!

So then, she looks at Brooke (Shields)'s Dad with his newer wife, and she's like "So, now you're with my ex-husband. Well, congratulations, you can have him"! It was fucking on!!

There were two cheerleaders, and their job was to basically go out in skimpy outfits and say hi to the guys........and some of the ladies, if you know what I'm saying.

When you perform for the Army, they want dick jokes and they want em now!

I love my clit. I use it every day. Not a day goes by when I don't use it for something.

She calls me up and says "Guess what - we're going to the Persian Gulf for Christmas". Immediately I put my hands over my clitoris. I don't want to insult the Muslim culture. It's such a wonderful culture for women - unless you have a clitoris and you're 13 cause they're hacking that shit off!

Nothing gets me more nervous than white people who talk black.......I mean, it's fun on "Ricki Lake", but in real life......

Donna (Karan), you have huge jugs, you could totally be a manager at Hooters!

Isn't Scientology one of those things where you really like someone and once you hear they're a Scientologist, you're like "I'm out"?

And she's like "Angie Harmon is here"!! So I was like, well let me...well fuck me then and I ran as fast as I could!

And yet she has the fucked-up baby voice! And is there anything more charming than a grown woman with a baby voice? Mmmm, yummy! I'm hard thinking about it.

Alright, Macy Gray.....what exactly is wrong with her? She, for sure has a little mental retardation. Allegedly!