Leo Rosten Quotes

Circumcision is described as “the seal of God” — a seal in the flesh, as it were. (In the early days of Christianity, baptism was called “sealing.”) In Genesis 17:10, you may remember, the Lord says: “This is my covenant … every man child among you shall be circumcised.” And Abraham, who was a very great man, circumcised himself.

The rabbi gets the fees, but it’s the moyl who gets all the tips.

The rabbi of Chelm visited the prison, and there he heard all but one of the inmates insist on their innocence. So he came back, held a council of wise men, and recommended that Chelm have two prisons: one for the guilty and another for the innocent.

Mr. Abraham, driven to desperation by the endless delays of the tailor who was making him a pair of trousers, finally cried, “Tailor, in the name of Heaven, it has already taken you six weeks!” “So?” “So, you ask? Six weeks for a pair of pants? Reboyne Shel Oylem! It took God only six days to create the universe!” “Nu,” shrugged the tailor, “look at it….

Dr. M. J. Kornblum and Dr. Albert Steinhoff, both obstetricians, share an office. On the door, under their office hours, some lets printed: 24-HOUR SERVICE … WE DELIVER

My mother would often end a lecture to me with the dour lament that her words were probably in vain: “Aroysgevorfne verter” (ah-ROYCE-ge-vor-f’neh VER-ter, meaning “Thrown out words”). Was ever a phrase more heartfelt?

Aroysgevorfne yorn (“years”), enunciated with a sigh deep from the diaphragm, or with bitterness, refers to the wasted years that can never be relived.

The Talmud expresses this lovely thought: “God found the Jews as one finds grapes in the desert.