Tucker Max Quotes

American Internet personality; blogger; author

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Tucker Tibor Max (born September 27, 1975 in Atlanta, Georgia) is an American author and public speaker. He chronicles his drinking and sexual encounters in the form of short stories on his website TuckerMax.com, which has received millions of visitors since Max launched it as the result of a bet in 2000.

Bio from: Wikiquote (CC BY-SA 4.0)

Similar: Ron White 75.5% Maddox 75.1% David Sedaris 74.5% Tina Fey 74.0% Dylan Moran 73.9% Kathy Griffin 73.2% Yahtzee Croshaw 73.0% Billy Connolly 72.8% George Carlin 72.8% Larry the Cable Guy 72.5%

Great Holy Jesus--it looks like he fell into Kentucky Fried Movie.

...and that we were now those guys...who started a fight at a Harry Potter book party.

KJ: Jesus Christ, you are amazing. Where did you learn to fuck like that? TM: Home schooling.

9:00: I don't know what I want. I just point at the Dollar Menu and say, 'Give me all of that.'

What are you looking for, McSeaBass? Its been the same menu for 40 years. Its all McShit. Just fucking order!

You ever wake up in the middle of the night because a couple of cats are clawing each other to death outside your window? That's what it's like listening to you speak.

I'm sorry, but I stand by my decision. I am now a member of the elite club of people that have fought a professional team mascot. You sir, are not in that club.

Nose full of fart, mouth full of cock, she never even paused.

Tucker: You guys going to Milwaukee?
Guy: Yes sir, heading home after a vacation.
Tucker: Did you know there are midgets in Milwaukee?
[The man and his wife are silent and confused.]
Tucker: HUNDREDS OF THEM!

Hey man, so can you speak to dolphins and pilot whales with that forehead of yours?

EEK EEK EEK!! That's dolphin for 'I'm sorry.' But you already knew that..

I gave her an unmistakable "I want to fuck you" look, she shot me back a quick "My spine hurts" face, and I was smitten.

You see, I have fucked an amputee and a set of twins. If you add in a midget, you are looking at a legendary trifecta. How many other people can say they have done that? Seriously, raise your hand if you even know someone who has done that. Yeah, some of you have fucked midgets. Some of you have fucked amputees. Some have even fucked a set of twins. But how many can honestly say you have done all three categories? I'm not going to say that I'm the only guy on earth who has done this, but I would bet you could fit all of us into a Prius.

Redheadedcalin doll: Doll comes with an innocent smile. Pull her string and doesn't speak, she just opens her legs.

I try to make them understand it's not about getting pussy, it's about having fun. It's not about getting drunk, it's about being with your friends. It's not about dishing out put downs, it's about the thrill that comes with improving a witty line. It's not about being an asshole, it's about refusing to let others define your life. It's ultimately about being the person you want to be, and all the manic happiness that comes with that.