W. C. Fields

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

"Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

And it ain't a fit night out for man nor beast.

Don't say you can't give up drinking. It's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Hi tooti-pie. Everything under control?

You can fool some of the people some of the time — and that's enough to make a decent living.

Whilst traveling through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. Had to live on food and water for several days.

Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta!

Some contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch ...

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm so indebted to her for. (Variant: 'Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.)

Beds are dangerous. More people die in bed than anywhere else.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Women are crazy about pets.
They're just crazy. Pets have nothing to do with it.