Showing quotes in randomized order to avoid selection bias. Click Popular for most popular quotes.
I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.
Of all the famous men who ever lived, the one I would most like to have been was Socrates. Not just because he was a great thinker, because I have been known to have some reasonably profound insights myself, although mine invariably revolve around a Swedish airline stewardess and some handcuffs.
What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
It is impossible to experience one's own death objectively and still carry a tune.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Harry: No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.
I can't get with any religion that advertises in Popular Mechanics.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree"— probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat — especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.
Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.