Woody Allen Quotes

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

V. attacked his first woman at eighteen, and thereafter raped half a dozen per week for years. The best I was able to do with him in therapy was to substitute a more socially acceptable habit to replace his aggressive tendencies; and thereafter when he chanced upon an unsuspecting female, instead of assaulting her, he would produce a large halibut from his jacket and show it to her. While the sight of it caused consternation in some, the women were spared any violence and some even confessed their lives were immeasurably enriched by the experience.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Today I saw a red-and-yellow sunset and thought, "How insignificant I am!" Of course, I thought that yesterday, too, and it rained. I was overcome with self-loathing and contemplated suicide again - this time by inhaling next to an insurance salesman.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.

And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

I can't fight.
I was once run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys.

For fifty bucks, I learned, you could "relate without getting close." For a hundred, a girl would lend you her Bartók records, have dinner, and then let you watch while she had an anxiety attack. For one-fifty, you could listen to FM radio with twins. For three bills, you got the works: A thin Jewish brunette would pretend to pick you up at the Museum of Modern Art, let you read her master's, get you involved in a screaming quarrel at Elaine's over Freud's conception of women, and then fake a suicide of your choosing - the perfect evening, for some guys.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.

Raised by two mothers...wow, most of us barely survive one

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.