Woody Allen

Allen: That's quite a lovely Jackson Pollock, isn't it?
Woman: Yes, it is.
Allen: What does it say to you?
Woman: It restates the negativeness of the universe. The hideous lonely emptiness of existence. Nothingness. The predicament of man forced to live in a barren, godless eternity like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void with nothing but waste, horror, and degradation, forming a useless, bleak straitjacket in a black, absurd cosmos.
Allen: What are you doing Saturday night?
Woman: Committing suicide.
Allen: What about Friday night?

When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.

I don't recognize this committee's right to ask me these kind of questions! And furthermore, you can all go fuck yourselves.

I can't listen to that much Wagner, ya know? I start to get the urge to conquer Poland.

Viscous and Sons had announced publication of The Annotated Poems of Sean O'Shawn, the great Irish poet, considered by many to be the most incomprehensible and hence the finest poet of his time. Abounding in highly personal references, an understanding of O'Shawn's work requires an intimate knowledge of his life, which, according to scholars, not even he had.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.

We have to take our possessions and flee. I'm very good at that. I was the men's freestyle fleeing champion two years in a row.

And so he took Isaac to a certain place and prepared to sacrifice him but at the last minute the Lord stayed Abraham's hand and said, "How could thou doest such a thing?"
And Abraham said, "But thou said-"
"Never mind what I said," the Lord spake. "Doth thou listen to every crazy idea that comes thy way?" And Abraham grew ashamed. "Er-not really... no."
"I jokingly suggest thou sacrifice Isaac and thou immediately runs out to do it."
And Abraham fell to his knees, "See, I never know when you're kidding."
And the Lord thundered, "No sense of humor. I can't believe it."

It is impossible to experience one's own death objectively and still carry a tune.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.

Death is like a colonoscopy, the problem is that life is like the prep day.

Marriage? That's for life! It's like cement!