Woody Allen

I can't listen to that much Wagner, ya know? I start to get the urge to conquer Poland.

Of all the famous men who ever lived, the one I would most like to have been was Socrates. Not just because he was a great thinker, because I have been known to have some reasonably profound insights myself, although mine invariably revolve around a Swedish airline stewardess and some handcuffs.

This is my perspective and has always been my perspective on life: I have a very grim, pessimistic view of it. I always have, since I was a little boy. It hasn't gotten worse with age or anything. I do feel that it's a grim, painful, nightmarish, meaningless experience, and that the only way that you can be happy is if you tell yourself some lies and deceive yourself.

A fine example of a demonstration was the Boston Tea Party, where outraged Americans disguised as Indians dumped British tea into the harbor. Later, Indians disguised as outraged Americans dumped actual British into the harbor. Following that, the British disguised as tea, dumped each other into the harbor. Finally, German mercenaries clad only in costumes from The Trojan Women leapt into the harbor for no apparent reason.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is Pliny the Elder.

Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

he's a genius, she's a genius, wow, you know alot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn something

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

My brain: it's my second favorite organ.