Woody Allen Quotes

Millions of books written on every conceivable subject by all these great minds and in the end, none of them knows anything more about the big questions of life than I do … I read Socrates. This guy knocked off little Greek boys. What the Hell’s he got to teach me? And Nietzsche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we’re gonna live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I’ll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. It’s not worth it. And Freud, another great pessimist. I was in analysis for years and nothing happened. My poor analyst got so frustrated, the guy finally put in a salad bar. Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.

What a wonderful thing, to be conscious! I wonder what the people in New Jersey do.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

Harry: Tradition is the illusion of permanence.

The heart wants what it wants.

This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?

It reminds me of that old joke- you know, a guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, hey doc, my brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Then the doc says, why don't you turn him in? Then the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. I guess that's how I feel about relationships. They're totally crazy, irrational, and absurd, but we keep going through it because we need the eggs.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why don’t you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that’s pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.