Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

There have been times when I've thought of suicide but with my luck it'd probably be a temporary solution.

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

I was supremely confident my flair for atmosphere and characterization would sparkle alongside the numbing mulch ground out by studio hacks. Certainly the space atop my mantel might be better festooned by a gold statuette than by the plastic dipping bird that now bobbed there ad infinitum.

It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

Death is like a colonoscopy, the problem is that life is like the prep day.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.