Woody Allen Quotes

Harry: No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.

Your self esteem is like a notch below Kafka's.

Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

He was on his way to see Harriet about the alimony payments. He still loved Harriet, even though while they were married she had systematically attempted to commit adultery with all the R's in the Manhattan telephone directory.

Mankind is facing a crossroad - one road leads to despair and utter hopelessness and the other to total extinction - I sincerely hope you graduates choose the right road

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Taste my tuna casserole — tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

I read in self-defense.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree"— probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Rabbi Raditz of Poland was a very short rabbi with a long beard, who was said to have inspired many pogroms with his sense of humor. One of his disciples asked, "Who did God like better, Moses or Abraham?"
"Abraham," the Zaddik said.
"But Moses led the Israelites to the Promised Land," said the disciple.
"All right, so Moses," the Zaddik answered.