Woody Allen Quotes

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, 'Be fruitful, and multiply'. But not in those words.

Some guy hit my car fender the other day, and I said unto him, "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those words.

It is impossible to experience one's own death objectively and still carry a tune.

Sex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat — especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

Of all the famous men who ever lived, the one I would most like to have been was Socrates. Not just because he was a great thinker, because I have been known to have some reasonably profound insights myself, although mine invariably revolve around a Swedish airline stewardess and some handcuffs.

I read in self-defense.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

I bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Mankind is facing a crossroad - one road leads to despair and utter hopelessness and the other to total extinction - I sincerely hope you graduates choose the right road

I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny.
I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.