Woody Allen Quotes

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Harry: Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing. Waitressing's gotta be the worst fucking job in the world.

I bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Agathon: But all that talk about death being the same as sleep. Socrates: Yes, the difference is that when you're dead and somebody yells, "Everybody up, it's morning," it's very hard to find your slippers.

Burt: Do you care even about the Holocaust or do you think it never happened?
Harry: Not only do I know that we lost six million, but the scary thing is that records are made to be broken.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.

Harry: Tradition is the illusion of permanence.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.