Woody Allen Quotes

American filmmaker, actor and comedian (born 1935)

Woody Allen (born Allen Stewart Königsberg on December 1, 1935) is an American film director, writer, actor, comedian and musician.

From: Wikiquote (CC BY-SA 4.0)

Birth Name: Allan Stewart Konigsberg

Also Known As: Woody

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I'm not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said "no."

I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

A lot of things have happened in my private life recently that I thought we could review tonight.

Harry: All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

The Devil: You want me to turn the air-conditioning on?
Harry: You have air-conditioning in Hell?
The Devil: Sure, it fucks up the ozone layer!

Doris: You have no values. With you it's all nihilism, cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
Harry: Hey, in France I could run for office with that slogan, and win!

Harry: (On being called a self-hating Jew) Hey, I may hate myself, but not because I'm Jewish.

Harry: Tradition is the illusion of permanence.

Harry: No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.

Burt: Do you care even about the Holocaust or do you think it never happened?
Harry: Not only do I know that we lost six million, but the scary thing is that records are made to be broken.

Cookie: What are you sad about?
Harry: I'm spiritually bankrupt. I'm empty.
Cookie: What do you mean?
Harry: I'm frightened. I got no soul, you know what I mean? Let me put it this way: when I was younger it was less scary waiting for Lefty than it is waiting for Godot.
Cookie: You lost me!
Harry: You know that the universe is coming apart? You know about that? You know what a black hole is?
Cookie: Yeah. That's how I make my living.