Zach Galifianakis Quotes

I want to combine the NAACP with Mothers Against Drunk Driving. It's called Mothers Against the Advancement of Colored People.

You shaved your head for V For Vendetta. Did you also shave your V for Vagina? (to Natalie Portman).

Seriously!, this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit, I gotta sell this motherfucker.... 36.63.

Here's something you'll never see in Braille: "If you see something, say something".

The only time it's ok to yell out 'I have diarrhea' is when you're playing Scrabble...because it's worth a shitload of points.

For 8 years now I've been addicted to cold turkey. When I tell people I'm quitting cold turkey, they say,"What are you quitting?", I'm fucking quitting cold turkey.

I once played charades with a couple that was deaf.....they were amazing. I mean, none of this sounds like business.

Sometimes I order a beet salad, so when the waiter comes and lays down my salad I can say "thanks for laying down those funky beets". It's an expensive joke because I don't even like beets.

The only good time to say I have diarrhea is during a game of Scrabble, because it's worth a shitload of points.

This is my impression of a Southern woman. "Tsk, I am so mad at the Taliban right now!"

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

I was named after my grandad. Yes, my name is Zach Grandad Galifianakis.

I call my balls the bush twins.

Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Will you touch my vagina...?" and she's like, "What!?" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say."

I like to stump Google. The other day I Google'd "how many Mexicans live in North Korea"....Google didn't know. I also Google'd "how many candles does Dave Navarro own?"...14,000.