Zach Galifianakis Quotes

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

For 8 years now I've been addicted to cold turkey. When I tell people I'm quitting cold turkey, they say,"What are you quitting?", I'm fucking quitting cold turkey.

I wear a lot of Axe body spray, but I live in a black neighborhood. Over there, they call it Ask body spray. If you don't get that joke, then you're not racist.

When I was a kid, I had dyslexia. And I would write about it in my dairy.

When you look like I do, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E Cheese.

The Forgetful Vegan: Man that sure was some good pepperoni pi-Oh Fuck!

The only time it's ok to yell out 'I have diarrhea' is when you're playing Scrabble...because it's worth a shitload of points.

This is my impression of a Southern woman. "Tsk, I am so mad at the Taliban right now!"

You shaved your head for V For Vendetta. Did you also shave your V for Vagina? (to Natalie Portman).

I failed kindergarten because I couldn't spell my last name.

Seriously!, this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit, I gotta sell this motherfucker.... 36.63.

I call my balls the bush twins.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

Here's something you'll never see in Braille: "If you see something, say something".

Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Will you touch my vagina...?" and she's like, "What!?" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say."