Zach Galifianakis Quotes

I like to stump Google. The other day I Google'd "how many Mexicans live in North Korea"....Google didn't know. I also Google'd "how many candles does Dave Navarro own?"...14,000.

Seriously!, this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit, I gotta sell this motherfucker.... 36.63.

You shaved your head for V For Vendetta. Did you also shave your V for Vagina? (to Natalie Portman).

The only good time to say I have diarrhea is during a game of Scrabble, because it's worth a shitload of points.

When I was a kid, I had dyslexia. And I would write about it in my dairy.

I wear a lot of Axe body spray, but I live in a black neighborhood. Over there, they call it Ask body spray. If you don't get that joke, then you're not racist.

I was named after my grandad. Yes, my name is Zach Grandad Galifianakis.

Here's something you'll never see in Braille: "If you see something, say something".

That was some really great "fatcting".

I call my balls the bush twins.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are so very mean.

For 8 years now I've been addicted to cold turkey. When I tell people I'm quitting cold turkey, they say,"What are you quitting?", I'm fucking quitting cold turkey.

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Will you touch my vagina...?" and she's like, "What!?" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say."