Zach Galifianakis Quotes

I want to combine the NAACP with Mothers Against Drunk Driving. It's called Mothers Against the Advancement of Colored People.

I once played charades with a couple that was deaf.....they were amazing. I mean, none of this sounds like business.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and then you realize you're just in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

Seriously!, this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit, I gotta sell this motherfucker.... 36.63.

I failed kindergarten because I couldn't spell my last name.

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.

I like to stump Google. The other day I Google'd "how many Mexicans live in North Korea"....Google didn't know. I also Google'd "how many candles does Dave Navarro own?"...14,000.

When I was a kid, I had dyslexia. And I would write about it in my dairy.

I wear a lot of Axe body spray, but I live in a black neighborhood. Over there, they call it Ask body spray. If you don't get that joke, then you're not racist.

Here's something you'll never see in Braille: "If you see something, say something".

Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Will you touch my vagina...?" and she's like, "What!?" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say."

I was named after my grandad. Yes, my name is Zach Grandad Galifianakis.

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

That was some really great "fatcting".

You shaved your head for V For Vendetta. Did you also shave your V for Vagina? (to Natalie Portman).