A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.

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Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.

Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.

Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.

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Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

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Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.