Bo Burnham Quotes

Love is... takin' a dive and gettin' really comfortable and peein' in the pool, and
Love is... a real-life porn— minus all the stuff that makes porn cool, and
Love is... a homeless guy searchin' for treasure in the middle of the rain, and
Findin' a bag of gold coins and slowly finding out they're all filled with chocolate, and
Even though he's heartbroken, he can't complain, 'cause he was hungry in the first place

My whole family thinks I'm gay
I guess it's always been that way
Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk
Makes them think I like... boys

We the people of the USA / José, we're not talkin' to you, ese
We got a border in order to keep you out / It's what my NYU essay's about
Cause we're xenophobic warrior princess / Molested by my Uncle Sam, is that incest?
"I Want You... to smell my finger! Does my nephew's scent still linger?"

The simple narrative taught in every history class Is demonstrably false and pedagogically classist Don't you know the world is built with blood?
And genocide and exploitation
The global network of capital essentially functions
To separate the worker from the means of production
And the FBI killed Martin Luther King
Private property's inherently theft
And neoliberal fascists are destroying the left
And every politician, every cop on the street
Protects the interests of the pedophilic corporate elite

What's a pirate minus the ship? / Just a creative homeless guy
And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? / An ironic way to die
And what's domain domain range? / A kid with too much in his pants
And two balls minus one? / Seven titles at the Tour de France

Look at all of Bo's hos, lookin' for a ride on Bo's hose
And I spot a little Latino, booty so big, call it "Oprah's ego"
We go to it, through it / She says "¡Dios mia, mi amigo!"
Pull it out, stick it in your mouth, and I bust in the back of ya
"Swallow bitch! There's people starvin' in Africa!"

Hey, what can you say?
We were overdue
But it'll be over soon

Sluts! Sluts! I fuck sluts! Sluts get fucked when I fuck sluts! No ifs, ands, and/or butts, I fuck sluts! I fuck sluts! Nice girls are nice, but no good for nut-sucking! They'll need a serene night to green light a butt-fucking, but that'll be easy with sleazy old slut fucking! Boo to the nice girls, praise he to slut fucking! I have a list. A list? Yes a list of all the sluts I've missed. I have not fucked or sucked these sluts and thus my nuts are fucking pissed! So when I fuck the lucky slut my nut removes her from the list; another dumb cum bucket struck from my nut-sucking, suck-it-slut, slut fucking bucket list. (aside to the audience, "Yes! You hear the influences. Chaucer, Keats!) Sluts can be white, black, brown, pink, or almond! They can be skinny with big tits or skinny with small ones! Sluts can be perky or preppy or posh with their brains and their clothes all shrunk from the wash! But some sluts are pretty and funny and smart...these sluts can lift all your thoughts from your dick to your heart. They can talk about science or music or art. They can put you together, or they can pull you apart. But don't trust these sluts. Don't...don't you dare. They'll force you to trust them and love them and care! And then they'll be gone and you'll be aware of the hole in your heart that that dumb slut left there.

The average person has one Fallopian tube. [pause for laughter] The average penis length is 5.5 inches, and finally, the average penis length of a man who googles "average penis length" is 3.5 inches.

High school party, senior year
Boys and girls are all sippin' on beer
I like soda / Where's the soda?
Am I the only fuckin' person here that likes soda?

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

So, um... I've been working on this special now for six months. And the whole time I've had a... a goal in mind, which is I wanted to finish this thing before I turned 30. Um, because the idea of turning 30, while still in this fucking room, working on this thing alone, um, that just seemed... I just... I just wanted to avoid that. And you might be thinking, "Well, that's fine. You know, look at you, You radiate such youth, You must not be turning 30 for years." And that's very, uh, nice of you to say. But the truth is um, I turn 30 in less than a minute. So I'm just gonna sit here and enjoy my twenties, and then get back to work. Yay.

We know, Lord, from John 3:16, that you so loved the world that you sent your only son to die for us. Your only son! But at the same time, we're all your children, so in your eyes, we're a bunch of girls. So help us as we struggle with the temptations of lesbianism. Amen.

Walkin' my poodles, man, it never gets old
With my dogs on the leash, I got bitches on the hold
A first-AIDS kit? That's a rhesus monkey I bust more nuts than a pistachio junkie

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? ... Names!