Eddie Murphy Quotes

A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

(Impersonating an angry fan) 'I heard that shit, man! That shit wasn't funny! Then I suppose at the end of your little sketch, Stevie crashed into a tree, right? Ha ha, very funny, motherfucker! Your mother got a wooden leg with a kick-stand, motherfucker! Your mother got a mouth in the back of her neck and the bitch chew like this!' (Nods his head up and down)

There's somethin' about singing, that is the business! You sing, women go crazy! 'Cause Mick Jagger is an ugly motherfucker...with big-ass lips! Mick Jagger's lips so big, black people be goin', 'He got some big-ass lips! These are big motherfuckin' lips!'

(Impersonating his father, drunk at the family cookout) Gus?! What the fuck is wrong with your wife?! Why can't she walk a flight of steps?! You come here every year, Gus, and you burn down my motherfuckin' backyard, and your wife rips down the steps! Why?! I work hard to get my place beautiful! And then the motherfucker come over and rip the steps down! Look at the motherfuckin' steps, they're fucked up, Gus! Why can't she walk the steps? You know why she can't walk the steps? 'Cause she's a fat, hairy bitch!!

(About Stevie Wonder) I got mad, I was hanging out with Stevie two months ago. I said, 'Look, Steve, I get too much motherfuckin' flak over this impression. I don't like doin' it, I ain't doin' this shit no more.' Stevie said, 'Well, I feel that...' I said, 'Shut the fuck up, Steve.' 'Cause you've gotta cut Steve off, 'cause if he get a roll goin' he'll talk your ears off! You ever see Steve win a Grammy and go up and give one of them long ass acceptance speeches? They say, 'And the winner is Stevie Wonder!' Stevie be goin, 'I'd just like to say...all the people in the world today...God's children...' 'Look, just take the motherfuckin' award and get the fuck out!' 'Cause the credits be rollin' and Stevie be up there goin' 'And I'd like to thank...' I be in the car, I just said 'Shut the fuck up, Steve. I'm tellin' you, you a genius and all that shit, but you my boy, man, we hangin', man. It's nice and shit, but I don't appreciate all the flak. And personally, the piano and the singin' and all that, I told you how I feel about singin' man, I ain't impressed. You wanna impress me, take the wheel for a while, motherfucker!'

You don't even have to be able to talk. Just sing and get famous. 'Cause James Brown's been singin' 30 years. I don't know what the fuck James is talkin' about!

(Impersonating his father ranting drunkenly at the cookout) I'll tell you somethin', motherfucker! You can take your motherfuckin' hairy, fat-ass moustache bitch out the fuck!! You can go upstairs and get the motherfuckin' dog and scoop up the shit, and take Eddie and get these long, Angela Davis afro-wearin' motherfuckin' kids of yours and put them in the motherfuckin' guni-gugu-mobile and get the fuck out!!

Michael Jackson, who can sing, and is a good lookin' guy - but ain't the most masculine fellow in the world.

I have nothing against homosexuals. I think an orgasm is your thing, and you should fuck whoever the fuck you feel like fucking. Whoever makes you cum the hardest. Anybody who says you shouldn't, politely tell them to mind their own business.