Fran Lebowitz Quotes

All the time I'm not writing I feel like a criminal. It's horrible to feel felonious every second of the day. It's much more relaxing to actually write.

I must take issue with the term “a mere child,” for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult. *

I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

It's much easier to write a solemn book than a funny book. It's harder to make people laugh than it is to make them cry. People are always on the verge of tears.

My favorite animal is steak.

How do you know if your child is a writer? Your obstetrician holds his stethoscope to your abdomen and only hears excuses.

Think before you speak, read before you think.

I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake. What you don’t know won’t hurt you. Sleep is death without the responsibility.

But alas, I do not rule the world and that, I am afraid, is the story of my life — always a godmother, never a God.

The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.

The customary way for white people to think about the topic of race — and it is only a topic to white people — is to ask, “How would it be if I were black?”…..

The way to approach it, I think, is…to seriously consider what it is like to be white.

If, while watching the sun set on a used-car lot in Los Angeles, you are struck by the parallels between the image and the inevitable fate of humanity, do not, under any circumstance, write it down.