Groucho Marx Quotes

I’ll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.

I must admit, I was born at an early age.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world?
Woman: Really?
Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed.

Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.

"Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?"

Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.

"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says "yes" you know he is a crook."

We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.