Groucho Marx Quotes

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Time wounds all heels.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

"Room service? Send up a larger room."

[A Night at the Opera]