Karl Pilkington Quotes

Talking about being in heaven- It's not fair though because all them lot have been up there ages with like a chance to get a bit of sun on the body and that so they'll look alright. I'll be wandering about with underpant marks and stuff.

I've never understood what pole dancing's about anyway. It's a waste of a good skill. Get into scaffolding or something.

Who's the mental one here? Is it me, or everyone else?

I'm surprised that I won the race to the egg. I'm not a good swimmer. If I was back in there now I'd go forget it, let them lot go first.

Could the world fall?

In the sea you've got to be constantly sort of alert. It's worse in the sea [than anywhere else in the animal kingdom]. In the sea you've got an enemy behind every rock.

The Elephant Man would never have gotten up and gone, ‘Oh, God. Look at me hair today.’

I wouldn't put a date on that pancake day anyway, just av 'em when you want, have it when you want. There's no big deal. You've got to make 'em yourself, it's not like some place is openin' to do it. Have em when you want. I don't know why that's got a special day on it,sick-of-it

From someone whose dad buys him a spade for Christmas, I thought you'd be grateful!

I've been watchin birds more than insects recently, and the thing I've found with pigeons is: they've got wings but they walk a lot

Where you are is what you eat. When I'm in London I'll have beans on toast for lunch. On holiday — what? Tapas? Go on then I'll have a bit. You eat whatevers in that area.

On dopplegangers - No because only it would only get me into trouble won't it? Because people won't believe there's another one like me. Otherwise everyone would be saying that when they get caught robbing, they go Oh it wasn't me it was me doppleganger.

Just been into the zoo, 'avin a look round an that. Went into the, er, into the aquarium. Mental, the amount of fish that are knockin' about

On chameleons - Stay green. Stay in the woods. Stay safe.

Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good.