Karl Pilkington Quotes

Do you know like, when you're a bloke nudist, Do you ever get any who just have like a small knob?

I was at some night once, right. It was some night out and er, some people come running on stage. And some music started coming on. These four people came running out, it was two women, two blokes. It wasn't gay an' that. It was just a normal night -well, y'know, some party night out. These people come running on. You've got two women, you've got two blokes. They whip their knickers off. The fellas whip their undies off. All at the same time, like er, whatsit? Cheryl Baker was in it... Bucks Fizz. So that happened and all I'm saying is, right; before I had a look at the woman's bits, I just had a cheeky glance at the fellas' bits, just checkin' it out, checking everything's normal down there. Believe me, I had a look at the ladies' bits but I didn't know how long that pants were going to left off for.

Fella comes walking toward me. Only got no pants on. So I said, ‘Suzanne, what's going on?’

It would be impossible, I'd just chuck meself into the salt pot or something. I'd hate that, that would be horrible that [Karl answering Ricky's question of how he would get Suzanne's attention in the Kitchen if he were a slug]

I've been watchin birds more than insects recently, and the thing I've found with pigeons is: they've got wings but they walk a lot

I will not be lickin a frog, so there's nothin' to worry about

I saw a cockroach playing Pacman. It was on the internet, right, and somebody had linked up a cockroach to err... to some... I can't even be bothered explaining it, but that's what I'm saying - everything is moving on

I was still using my eyes even though I had them shut

A dog has got human eyes.

It's like the panda, they say that's dying out. But what do they do? When you see them they're just sitting in the jungle eating

They've found this spider, in the jungle. Three foot long, it eats chicken. Bit weird, innit. People moan saying that you shouldn't lock animals up and all the rest of it, but to be honest I wish it was locked up. The idea that it's roaming in a jungle... get it locked up.

People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug's aspirin and the monkey's got a headache, is it right?

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.

Flies used to be happy-go-lucky, on their own; the sun’s out, have a fly about. Now, there’s little attacks going on.

In the sea you've got to be constantly sort of alert. It's worse in the sea [than anywhere else in the animal kingdom]. In the sea you've got an enemy behind every rock.