Lennie Lower Quotes

A cold plunge is bracing. Have the bath about three-quarters full of cold water. Lock the bathroom door. Slap the water a few times with the open hand and sing "D'ye Ken John Peel" in a loud voice and say, "Phoo! Hah! Phow!" This means that you are actually having a cold bath. Stay a reasonable time in the bathroom and then pull the plug out of the bath and emerge, prancing slightly. I have done this every winter for years and have never been found out yet. But be sure to wet the soap.

He wanted to be a water diviner, but I could think of a lot of things diviner than water ...

. But then, so is soup.

I like hotels. I am compiling a brochure on bar-room tactics which may interest you. For instance, always get your shout in first; you never know who else may turn up later. The only exception to this rule is when the other party looks at his watch and says, "Just one quick one. I must get away soon." In that case you let him shout first. After having it, and as he is just going to the door, it is permissable to say, "Sure you won't have another?" Only a dirty dog would say "Yes."When in a team, watch the soda bottles carefully. If they are still half full, it is safe to shout the whiskies. I once had to shout eight whiskies and assorted bottles of soda-water and ginger-ale. I didn't mind the whisky so much, but to be landed with eight bottles of soda-water and ginger-ale galled me. I have never made that mistake since.

That's the worst of these New Year resolutions-they get you into so much trouble. I think it is much safer to give some harmless order to yourself, such as resolving not to drink out of horse-troughs on Sunday. But I wasn't satisfied with something simple like that. I made a grand, sweeping gesture and resolved to be a model husband. And the result: The resolution split up the sides the first day.

A gentleman should not talk to a lady with his hands in his pockets-unless she's his wife, in which case it's unavoidable.

I've often wondered how people become dentists. Probably some sadistic urge due to ill-treatment in early youth. If they had been put in a Borstal institute when showing the first signs of mental dentality or dental mentality or, anyhow, becoming jaw-minded, they might have been cured. As it is they are permitted to roam at large and have conventions.

Don't be misled by weighing machines. Weighing machines are the most lying things on earth, and should be treated accordingly. When you see "16 st. 10 lb." on the dial, think of the number you first thought of and stick to it. And don't be disheartened if results do not come immediately. Slim women may look slick, but a fat woman stays. Ask any corset manufacturer.

Many people are confused by the multiplicity of knives, forks, and spoons set before them, and are inclined to make a haphazard selection, thus making goats of themselves. Remain calm and do the thing systematically. First of all, use up the spoons; secondly, go through the forks; then wind up on the knives. In the case of wine glasses and so forth, select the biggest and stick to it. I do this myself invariably, and have never been tossed out of a dining-room yet.

Last time the wife was sick I did all the housework. It's child's play once you get used to it. The difficulty, however, is in getting used to it.

I should never have spoken to that dentist. He looked at me with eyes like a dead cobra and said, "You have two defective bicuspids."Up till then I had always thought that a bicuspid was a two-handled spitoon or cuspidor, as we say in the States."You should have them attended to," he went on. "I might be able to save the right molar for you, but the one on the left will have to come out, I'm afraid.""You're afraid!" I said. "It's me that's afraid."

People frequently ask me where I get all my culture and information from. If you met me and had converse with me for a few minutes you would probably ponder the same question.

... Why don't you put this beer out in the sun to get cool? If it was any flatter you'd have to serve it on a plate.